Hello, beautiful people.

Most people know my nickname is D.
Short. Simple. Iconic.

But I think it has ruined my life.

Because ever since people started calling me “Big D” and “Little D” as jokes… now it feels like dicks just be appearing in my life. Constantly. Like I accidentally manifested a theme.

And I’m not even helping myself. I can be a little fruity sometimes — especially when eating popsicles, because I love when the cold hits the back of my tonsils… I swear I’m fully straight, but I move with zest. So now my life just feels like one long penis side quest.

And what makes it weirder… my mom is always involved.

Now if you know me, you know I don’t have a dad. So my mom’s been playing both roles my whole life. She did a great job. Love her. Respect her.

But one thing about my mom?

No fucking boundaries whatsoever.

It is uncomfortable learning how to be a man… from your mother.

Especially when she’s out in public with her nurse friends… and the first topic of conversation is your dick.

In the middle of the New York State Fair.

I wish I was exaggerating.

Her coworkers are drooling. My mom’s laughing. I’m just standing there like… I came here for funnel cakes and jerk chicken, why are we doing this?

But it gets worse.

It’s my 20th birthday. We’re at a nice dinner at Pastabilities. It’s me, my partner at the time, and my mother. The conversation could go anywhere. School. Hobbies. Life.

No.

Forty-five minutes of the ladies discussing my penis.

All I could do was shake my head and sip my water. I think it’s finally over — but no…

My mom feels the need to turn to the man sitting next to me and goes, “Stop staring at my son’s dick.”

I wanted to be father like son and go grab the milk.

And I thought that was the peak of the penis parade.

No.

Because I studied in New York City.

And one night I’m out eating wings with my friend. Normal night. And you ever feel like someone’s watching you?

I look across the street… and there’s a man on a balcony.

Fully committed, aiming his piece at me like Harvey Lee Oswald on some JFK Assination shit.

Just going crazy.

At first, I thought I was tripping. I asked my friend, “Do you see this?” She looks — nobody’s there.

Ten minutes later she goes, “Oh. I see him.”

And he’s still going.

For TWO HOURS.

Two hours.

At that point, it’s not even a crime. It’s a talented and impressive feat.

I didn’t know what to do. So I smiled and waved.

He didn’t wave back.

Which makes sense. His hands were busy.

And instead of calling the police like a normal adult… I called my 70-year-old grandma.

Like, “Grandma, you’re not gonna believe this.”

The restaurant said he’d been doing this for months.

So I’m like okay, cool. So now this is just part of the neighborhood vibe. Double Cock on the Block.

And that should’ve been my warning.

Because on National Girlfriend’s Day… my body said, “You think this is funny?”

I wake up with the worst pain of my life. It starts in my stomach… then travels south.

And I’m like, oh no. This is karma.

My girlfriend at the time is like, “You’re fine.” Her dad is a urologist, so I believed her.

So like I said, it’s National Girlfriend’s Day. You know my lightskin ass did a cute double date — but the whole time I am dying.

Instead of calling my mom — the fantastic ER nurse — I listened to three 20-year-olds saying, “Keep drinking liquor. It’ll ease the pain.”

Bad. Bad. Bad idea.

So I call my mom to see if she’s working so I can be rushed to the hospital. We leave early, but the other couple couldn’t leave without some cute pictures near the lake. So while they’re smiling, I’m crying.

But we got a great sunset shot.

I end up in the hospital. Doctors talking about checking my balls in front of my mom. My mom is cracking jokes.

Then she goes, “I think you just had rough sex and pulled something.”

And I’m like, NOPE.

But I guess my partner felt the need to be prideful and say, “Oh yes we did.”

I’m gagged.

Turns out… a kidney stone and inflamed small intestines.

On National Girlfriend’s Day.

So the moral of the story is this:

If your nickname is D… life will come at you long, strong, and all sorts of wrong.